How To Please A Woman: A Males Guide
by Horror.Pixie
Summary: One writes romance novels, the other, a doctor. What do these two people have anything to do with each other, it’s their next book. Together they both have to write a sensual, physical love book that will keep audiences on their toes. LEMONS. ExB. Human.
1. SummeryProlouge

**Summery:**

_One writes romance novels, the other, a doctor. What do these two people have anything to do with each other, it's their next book. Together they both have to write a sensual, physical love that will keep audiences on their toes. LEMONS ExB_

Prologue Bella: Getting out of my Audi, I looked around at familiar surroundings. Tall dark walls with open windows opened their arms and lead me through to hallways. I looked around noticing something here that wasn't there before. A statue of Adonis. My eyes wondered his perfect body. He's my tall drink of water. Little did I know, he would be my worst nightmare?


	2. Sex

**Sex** _noun_

**1.** A) A character of bring male or female. B) The differences between male and female.

**2.** Sexual activity: _The film is full of **sex**._

**3.** See SAFE SEX.

_WORD FAMILY_: **sex**, _verb_, to ascertain the sex of; **sexed**, _adjective_, having a certain degree of sexuality; **sexless**. _Adjective_, **a**) neither male nor female, **b**) (_informal_) having no sex appeal.

**Safe Sex**

Those sexual practices in which precautions are taken (especially the wearing of condoms) to prevent AIDS (_acquired immune deficiency syndrome_) and other sexually transmitted diseases.


	3. First Meeting

**BPOV.**

Why does life have all these difficulties?

"Miss Swan, I'm pleased to see you again" Mark Donavan said as he shook my hand.

I smiled "Me too"

Mark, Is my publicist, I am an author to four worldwide best sellers. I write romance novels; Romance for my pieces is, inspirited from well known novels like Romeo and Juliet to Wuthering heights.

"Please sit, we are just waiting for the doctor to come" Mark said as he sat down at the head of the office table. I leaned back in my chair resting my feet from the walk up the stairs; do not walk in heels up the stairs. The date I had last night was... how could I put it? Disastrous. It was the worst date I have ever been on. What kind of date try's to steal your virginity in the first five minutes of your first date?

"It's nice to meet you, Miss Swan. I'm Dr. Cullen" A Adonis stood in fount of me with his hand out. His red-brown hair allay messily on his head with bits of his bangs in his eyes. Dr. Cullen was what Alice would call... 'My type of Martini' well I think she would anyway.

I tried to speak but nothing could come out. He looked at me as if I had a mental problem; he quickly pulled his hand back to his side and sat down across from me.

Come on, you've grown up with guys falling over you. And this one guy makes you stop talking like he cut your tongue out.

Sighing, I pulled out a pad and stuck the pen behind my ear. I took a quick look towards the doctor. His green eyes looking at me with interest, when he saw me look at him he smiled.

I looked back at Mark. "Well, the reason you two are here is because..." He sat forward "I need a book, a sensual, physical book"

"What type of book do you want?" Dr. Cullen asked.

"I want a Sex Book" When mark said that, I swear if I was drinking something it would be all over him. "I want exact details, methods, tips, something to jazz it up, not fake stuff, I want the real thing"

"And what does that have to do with us" I asked.

Mark Donavan sat back in his chair "This is where the hard part comes in..." I gulped it's never good "I want you two, to do everything, maybe you guys might like it and would thank me in the future"

"So you want us... to date?" Dr. Cullen said as he thought it through after a couple of minutes.

"Yes Edward, anything you need, a room, and money for a date, we are paying for you" Mark smiled.

Edward Cullen, Dr. Edward Cullen, sounds sexy.

"So... you want us basically write about our personal lives and experiences so people can use them to their own pleasure?" I asked.

*******

Walking out of that room was a nightmare. Edward is a nightmare.

"So... when will our first date be?" Edward whispered in my ear, making me shiver.

I turned and faced him and poked him in the chest "You sir, will be earning the right to take me on a date"

With a sly smile, a wink of an eye and a pinch of my arse. Edward Dr. Freaking Cullen left, with me wanting that date right now.

**_Alright, this is the first chapter, well official chapter.. the way this story goes is, ONE chapter will be the story, then the next chapter will be a bit of the book edward and bella are writing._**


	4. The First Flirt

**The First Flirt.**

You must be well presented. Dress pants and an untucked button up will make you seem important and mysterious. Make sure you're:

Shave: _A must, unless some females like the rogue look_.

Cologne: _**Must** be worn, and not extensively_.

Hair: _To what suits you, if you don't know ask some mates girlfriend to help you, and trust me **she will know**_.

Hygiene: _A **must** do, Have a shower or bath. **No female** likes her man dirty unless he comes home from work or from in bed_.

**_***_**

Simple Tips:

If a female takes the courage to face you face to face, talk to her. You might be surprised how much you have in common.

If she's sucking the stick of her martini, she either a) is bored. b) Might want you for a quickie before she goes and finds her next victim.

Ask questions about her, she may not show it but if you talk about yourself the whole time, she most defiantly won't come back.

Brush your teeth, No Female likes a guy with smelly breath or black/yellow/green teeth.

Seem tough, sensitive and caring. If you have that then the next tips will be easy.

Talk to her, make her seem cared about; she'll be putty in your hands in no time.

Do not kiss her or touch her in anyway except hold her hand, if need be, hug her goodbye when done talking.

If you want her... and did all the talking well slip her your number on a tissue or napkin. If she likes you look out for her number.


	5. BPOV The First Flirt

**_Thank you, to everyone who read, reviewed, story alerted, story faved, author alerted this story. Thank you. If you have any questions on how this story works please dont be afraid to contact me._**

**BPOV: The First Flirt.**

Turning my key though the door, and pushed it open. I sat my handbag on the bench and grabbed an apple. I walked up to a giant white door that had the name of ALICE on it, and knocked.

Whispering was heard then a click of a lock, in front of me was a small figured pixie, with short spiky black hair that points in every direction. Her hands were on her hips in a serious manner.

"Do you have any idea, what I went through today with Mike?" Alice's eyes glared into my own.

"Do you have any idea of what he did?" I yelled back.

"He said he took you on a date at the lantern and that you guys had a good time, then you stood up and left without saying goodbye" said Alice.

"That was not what happened" I said as I walked past Alice and sat on her bed. Rosalie my other roommate sat on the floor painting her toe nails "Firstly we had Mc Donald's, what kind of human being goes to Mc Donald's for a date, secondly, He felt me up in front of children, thirdly, when I went back to my car to go home he pushed me into the back seat and tried to take my virginity. In. My. Own. Car." I screamed.

I looked around Alice and Rosalie's faces were agape and eyes wide. Rosalie was the first one to snap out of her trance and gasp "You're still a virgin?"

I studded, unsure how to answer "Yeah, I am" It would be better to just tell the truth.

"I thought you lost it, when you what out with..." Alice tapped her chin with a finger "... Larry, no that's not it... Lawrence... nope that's not it either, Luke?"

"Lucas" Rosalie said as she stood up and put the nail polish back on Alice's beauty table. "I thought you lost it with Jacob in grade 10, you said you did?"

"Yeah, about that we were about to get our underwear off then his dad came in..." The girls gasped "I grabbed my clothes as fast as I could and high tailed it out of there"

"So that's why you dumped him?" Alice asked confused.

"Not exactly, his dad actually came onto me when I was over his house"

"Yuck" They repulsed the idea out of their head.

We sat in Alice's room wondering on want to do something tonight. But little did they know, they are going to be my Rats for my first experiment.

*******

"Well girls, welcome to the grand opening of Aquabella" I yelled and waved my arms out.

"It's huge" Alice said as she looked around every inch as we walked to find an empty table.

"Why are we here?" Rosalie said while looking at the bar, with a lot of interest.

"Because you guys are going to go and flirt with a couple of people and end up giving out your phone numbers by the end of the night." I said with a smile.

"Agh, okay" Rosalie said still eyeing the bar. Alice and I followed her gaze and found who she was staring at so intensely.

There in that crowd was a hair colour I could never forget. As I looked up looking over the crowd, I noticed that he too had looked up, his eyes a perfect smouldering green from what I could see. I scanned the people flanking his sides, one was big and burly, dark brown curls hanging in his light brown eyes, the other was blonde and looked a lot like Rosalie, his hair covering his bright blue eyes, both dressed in dress pants and un-ironed button up shirts. Edward smiled and gave a wave which made the other men turn and look our way.

"Bella, who you staring at?" Alice called to me, she sounded a little distant, I didn't answer her until I saw a little hand wave in front of my face.

"Agh, what?" I asked, dazed.

"Who ar..." Alice stopped speaking when she noticed Edward and his friends making their way towards our table.

"Quick, sit down and pretend that we are in a serious conversation" Rose said as she pulled us down in our seats and start talking about cars. Seriously how can anyone have a serious conversation about cars when Alice and I don't know anything about them?

"Come on, you guys would of had to of seen the V12 vanquish out the front, it's like one of a kind" Rosalie started talking about the sleek black vanquish we saw outside the club.

"The V12, which would happen to be my car" A velvety voice said from behind me. Thankfully Alice and Rosalie did my hair and makeup before we left. I turned around, and was faced with something bigger than Mount Everest. But it was covered in some black dress pants and underwear... unless he's going commando. I heard a cough from behind me I turned around red, embarrassed to turn around again. Alice had an eyebrow raised in question.

"I'm Edward" He outstretched his hand towards me.

"Isabella, but I prefer Bella" as I shook his hand this time. Edward did the same to Alice and Rosalie.

"I'm Emmett, and this is Jasper" The curly brown haired man said then pointed to the blonde haired, blue eyed one. After introductions, the men said at the table and started talking. Edward whispered in my ear when everyone else what preoccupied.

"Is this going in the book?" The way he says things even though it wasn't sexy, made it sound sexy. I nodded.

I moved closer into him so my breasts grazed the side of his chest and my tongue licked just on the tip of his ear "I think I'm going to call it 'The First Flirt'"

**_Alright... For the next chapter to go up i would love 10 reviews. Later though out the story... it will start to get really lemonishas.. soo.. we just gotta wait for it.. um if you have any ideas i would love to know.. any dating tips?... any... well anything to do with a relationship.. _**

**_10 Reviews for next chapter._**

**_Thank you, _**


	6. The Three Day Waiting Period

**The 3 Day Waiting Period.**

Wait three days; be sure she's the one for you. If not still call and tell her calmly and reassuringly that she's not the one for you and say 'you should go back to _'insert place where you met'_ because you noticed another guy had an eye on her. If you like her, talk to her about her interests, it's the first key to the first date.


	7. The Three Day Waiting Period BPOV, RPOV

**_Well, i've updated... YAY, Alrighty, everyone must of read my update the otherday, i had to think for a bit because it didn't soudn right, when i wrote it, so i had to re-write it. But here it is.. hope you like it._**

**The Three Day Waiting Period**

**_BPOV_**

_'Humph'_ Alice sighed as she flopped onto the pearl white couch.

"It's been three days and no phone call" Alice turned and faced me "Does he like me, did I smell, oh my god what if I had stuff in my teeth, defiant turn off"

I looked up from my laptop writing the next tip. The Three Day Waiting Period is what I called it...

"Seriously Alice, he will call" I sat up and looked towards the kitchen as to where the phone was "Rose seriously get away from the phone"

"But what if it rings and I miss it?" She literally pouted like a two year old, her bright blue eyes showing her concern. I shook my head, pathetic.

"Rose, I'm sure as soon as it rings, you'll be there, now step away" I said slowly, in a very serious tone, she shook her head.

"Rose is right Bella, you don't want to miss a phone call" Alice smiled, looking at Rose, staring at the phone like as soon as she does it will ring.

"Guys, seriously this is silly, if they call they will leave their number and ask for you to call back, or if you don't want to go anywhere we can sit here in the lounge room and watch movies all day" I said, I lifted an eye brow.

"I don't know Bella, I have a feeling that it will ring soon, and you know what happens when I get a feeling?" Alice said

"Yes, we know, all future seeing pixie" Me and Rosalie both rolled our eyes.

"Seriously "Alice said

I watched out the corner of my eyes, watching as Alice picked the handset up, staring at it, until it glowed orange, when it was ringing.

"Hello?" Alice asked into the receiver. The person on the other end was talking. "Oh, yeah, let me get her" Alice covered the end of the phone and held it out "Here, Bella, It's Edward" Alice said with a frown, apparently upset that it was not Jasper.

"Edward?" I said confused.

"Yeah, Alice did say Edward?"Rosalie pouted clearly upset too.

I took the phone out of Alice's hand.

"Hello?"

"Bella, its Edward" a smooth voice came through.

"So I was told" I murmured back.

"Pardon?" he asked, his voice shaken

"Nothing" I quickly said, "What did you call for?"

"I was asked by my two lazy, nervous friends..." Edward started to go on.

"Bella, Alice and I are going out talk to you later, the guys don't like us so there not going to ring" Rosalie said as she grabbed her bag of the table with a sigh and walked out the door with Alice at foot.

Confused, I kept staring at the door just in-case they were joking, seriously they have been by the phone for the past 3 days and then when I get a phone call they leave the house.

"Bella, Hello?" I heard a distant voice say.

"Oh sorry, I had a mind blank, what were you saying?" I asked.

"I was saying, well to summarise it up, Jasper and Emmett want to speak to Rosalie and Alice"

"Oh, Argh, Alice and Rosalie just left; they thought Emmett and Jasper weren't going to call"

"Do they have any other way I can contact them?" Edward asked, sounding like he was rushing, I could hear paper crackling in the background.

"Ahh mobiles?"

* * *

**RPOV**

I was walking the mall, strutting my stuff, along with a hyper Pixie.

"Aren't those shoes gorgeous, Rose?" Alice said, with her nose pressed up to the glass window.

"Uh, huh, yeah" I said un-caring, I'm still waiting for Emmett to call.

Emmett. What can I say about him? He's Hot, Tall, Muscular, and a soft curly haired teddy-bear.

Emmett seems to have the stupidest brain cells in the world considering that he hasn't even called yet.

That must be the same with Jasper.

"Come on Alice, Let's go into Prada" I said as we made our way there.

Looking through the rack of extremely over priced clothes, I felt a vibrate in my pocket and heard Alice's signature scream cascade throughout the shop.

"Hello?" I said in a rush as I tried to get my way to Alice.

"Ahh..." A Scared man's voice came through the speaker.

"Can you hurry up I heard my friend scream so spit it out" I yelled angry into my mobile.

I ran through the shoe isle, where I knew she would be.

"Alice, Alice?" I yelled, forgetting about the phone.

"Rose, I'm here!" Alice laughed as she saw my expression.

"You screamed, I heard you from the other side of the shop!" I yelled at her.

"Calm down petal, I screamed because Jasper called" Alice smiled a huge smile when she said Jaspers name.

"What, Emmett hasn't even called, that stupid, idiotic piece of meat, I will kill him the next time I see him" I seethes, and looked at Alice nodding at the phone and saying _'ah, huh yeah,_ _yep'_.

"Argh, Jasper said that Emmett did call, but you hung up?" Alice said, as I eyed my mobile in my hand, I shut it while I was finding Alice.

I grabbed my purse from Alice, a quickly left the store.

Walking through the crowd's of people by yourself is daunting, not knowing any of them, even worse.

"Hey baby, want to come with me back to my house?" A guy said with dark curly hair like Emmett's touched my arse.

"No" I screamed heading towards one place where I can be alone.

When I made it to the bathroom, my face was already stained by tears and smudged make-up. I slammed the cubicle door and leaned against it.

What if I missed my chance, What if he finds another female, What if he doesn't like me, What if... What if...

I sunk to the floor and put my knees to my chest and leaned my head against them, letting the tears free.

After ten minutes, I looked up and noticed my mobile vibrating on the floor next to me.

I sniffed and picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Rose baby, where are you?" Emmett's sweet voice came through the mobile.

My tears started again "I'm in the bathroom"

"Naked? Nah him kidding, Alright talk to you soon" Emmett hung up.

I sat there confused, on the cold floor, wondering what Emmett meant.

Maybe he didn't like me.

I heard the door open, the one that leads to the bathroom.

I sniffed and wiped tears away, but it doesn't help.

"Rose?" A deep voice said, from outside the cubicle door.

I got up off the floor and peaked through the side of the door.

There outside was the man, my man.

I opened it and jumped at him crying.

"Rose, baby, Please stop crying, you're going to make me cry" I looked up and him his sparkling light brown eyes.

"Stop you big baby, you act like a girl" I said as I spanked him with my purse.

"But Rose... you make me upset, when you're upset" Emmett said as he pouted.

"Argh, shush" I said as I leaned into his chest.

"You know I'm only down here is because Alice told jasper you ran off because of my phone call, but I want to say, I like you. No wait, I love you, I can't explain it. You mean everything to me" he said as he put me up on the sink.

Emmett but his bear like hands on my cheeks "I've been wanting to do this for a while now, I haven't been able to get you out of my head since we met" He leaned in.

* * *

**_Alrighty, well there was some more RxEm Hope you like it. I would like 10 reviews for my next chapter. Thanks for reading. Untill next time._**

**_10 Reviews._**

**_If you have any ideas i would love to know! Thank you._**


	8. The Date

**The Date.**

Must be SHOWERED:_ A MUST_.

BE in nice clothes, depend as to where your going.

BE a gentleman, Open the door for her, bring a flower, or even a box of chocolates.

Compliment her on what she is wearing even though you might think it might be ugly, do it and maybe discreetly tell her friends that she might need new clothes.

**RESTRAUNT DATE**

If sitting at a table, pull out the chair for her not to far other wise she will fall on her arse.

Ask what she wants first, it doesn't matter if it's the most expensive thing on the menu do it, it will get you in the good books.

When you book a table, ask if it could be in a secluded area, so you can talk in private.

Also ask for some candles for the table you want it as romantic as possible.

**MOVIE DATE**

Ask her what movie she wants even if it's a chick flick she chooses don't complain you can come back the next day with your mates and watch that scary movie you've been dying to see.

If she does want to see that scary movie make sure if she's scared comfort her.

**BEACH/PICNIC DATE**

A beach/picnic date consists of A PICNIC, not the chocolate bar but the picnic basket full of food.

Make sure you have something she loves in it, every female loves chocolate so that wouldn't be hard.

Talk a lot and walk along the beach, it gives you an inside of what she's like.

If she is cold, remember your at the beach with the sea breeze give her your jacket even if your cold.

**REMEMBER** these things and your date wont be bad.


	9. Sorry

Hey,

Sorry Everybody, Im currently on holidays. Burnt, tired and Dusty. A couple of days ago most of east Australia had a giant dust storm. Not to mention bushfires close by to home. I's so sorry for not updating. And when i get back from holidays were moving.. sad. Soo sorry again. When i get everything together.. i will continue writing and then post chapters up. Sorry again that i could not update any sooner.

I will up date ASAP.

Thank you.


	10. An: PLEASE READ

Hi everyone,

I know it's been a while and im sorry i havn't updated sooner. So I'm really sorry. Okay, ive moved and loving having no funiture *rolls eyes* but seriously I cant wait to get back in to writing this story. And again i am sorry for not updateing lately.. so to make up with it. Im going to post two chapters up tonight/tomorrow. And once i've updated the next chapter my AN's will disapear. haha. So hopefully you will like my chapters. Oh to anyone who doesn't know. This story, as told. starts from first meeting.. to ... well.. you'll just have to find out. The order it goes is what you do in the relationship. you talk, date, talk, have another date, become playmates.. (ahah sorry my friend said that but i thought it would make it funny), get in a relationship, go further, and eventually grow old and have had 52 childern. Im not actually going to make BxE have 52 children... but it would be funny to see. Oh, another thing. People have been asking me when BxE are well gonna go at it. And YES it WILL BE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.. So hopefully i dont disapoint. Oh another thing.. yes i think this will be my last one.. I need a BETA.. if anyone wants to just ask!. Thank you,

P.S: UPDATEING SOON..


	11. OMG NEW MOON TONIGHT

HI, everyone.

HAHA OMG im sooo excited . NEW MOON COMES OUT TONIGHT AGHHH!! CANT WAIT. OMG.

HAHA IM REALLY EXCITED! AND I MEAN REALLY. AUSTRALIA IS THE FIRST CONTRY TO GET IT, I THIN K?

ANYWAY AGHHHHHH SHIRTLESS TAYLOR LAUTNER.. hhahaha. WHEn bella goes to Edward 'kiss me' my friend dared me to say well yell 'IM PREGNANT' hahahaha anyway updating again after i watch it.. AGHHH


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